A love letter to anxiety

Dear Anxiety,

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For as long as I can remember you have been right by my side. Tucked beside me in bed at night, seated next to me at the dinner table, walking alongside me wherever I go. Even when I want to spend time alone, you stay with me, never letting me go.

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I remember the first time I met you. I was five years old and it was a humid Saturday in late summer. The exact date was Aug. 18, 2007, the day my older sister Caroline lost her battle with cancer. I felt a tightness in my small chest and a deep heaviness in my heart that no child should ever have to comprehend. Those feelings lingered inside me and still do to this day.

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From then on you ruled the decisions I made in my life. Throughout elementary and middle school you came to class with me. You intertwined yourself into my friendships. You broke me apart and tore me down each day, forcing me to rebuild myself every morning.

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You exhausted me.

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During high school, your presence in my life reached new levels. You influenced every choice I made. Every answer on every test. Every plan. Every tryout. Every word I spoke.

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Your impact on me peaked my junior year of high school. I was in love for the first time and my then boyfriend had just gone off to college, leaving me behind. He was my best friend, and seeing him go through such a massive life change while I was stuck in high school, a place I struggled so hard to feel seen in, left me more anxious than ever.

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For the first few months of that year I cried every day. I sat and ate lunch in the school counselor's office, one of the only places I felt comfortable. I could barely eat. I lost interest in hobbies and lost touch with the few friends I had. My parents didn’t know what to do, and despite taking medication and going to therapy you continued to fester inside of me like an infectious disease trying to kill me from the inside out.

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Why do you have such a strong hold on me?

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All I wanted was to escape the confines of you and live the life I had always wanted, free from your selfish reign that sucked all the light and energy out of me.

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I knew that within myself, I had the power to reframe my relationship.

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I knew that the hardships of my life, from losing my sister to overcoming my battle with depression, had taught me strength and perseverance. I knew I could still go out into the world and try my best to make a difference, even when it felt impossible. I had seen glimpses of what my life could be like when you didn’t have power over me, and I realized our relationship did not have to be a toxic one. I thought that if I could turn that pit you put in my stomach into a positive force, you might push me to say yes to things that scared me.

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So that’s what I did.

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As high school ended, I wanted to leave you in the past. The last four years of my life had been insufferable because of you and I was not going to let you ruin my four years of college.

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The summer between my senior year of high school and my first year of college, I made a difficult but life-changing decision: I chose to not let you ruin me anymore.

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Instead, I let you drive me toward the life I had always wanted. Rather than letting you scare me away from pursuing my goals, I grabbed you by the reins and leveraged you to propel me forward.

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Because of you, “yes” is my new favorite word.

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Because of you, despite not knowing anyone else in my program, I spent four months studying abroad in Luxembourg, an experience that would become the most transformative of my life. I did things you would have never let me do before. I went on a solo trip to Germany to attend a concert all by myself.

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So many people told me they would never be able to go on a trip like that by themselves, but because of you, I proved that I could do it. You made me feel empowered.

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Because of you, my best friend and I took a spontaneous day trip to Disney World this March. We flew out of Cincinnati at 5 a.m., hopped to three Disney parks from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m., and flew home at 11 p.m. that same day.

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Everyone said we were crazy. But l have found that life is more fun when I say “yes” to doing unconventional things.

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Because of you, I decided to say yes to the guy who asked me to lunch while I was in Boston. One “yes” to what I didn’t realize was a date led me to my first boyfriend in five years. If I hadn’t said yes, I never would’ve walked around the city with him. I wouldn’t have let my walls down to bring such a positive person into my life.

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Anxiety, if it weren’t for this shift in our relationship dynamic, I would have missed out on so many life-changing experiences.

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My relationship with you is the reason I have more confidence in who I am. Instead of hating you, I have learned to love you for helping me become the best, most authentic version of myself.

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Through all the twists and turns in our relationship, I hope I can inspire others who know you to try and alter their relationship with you too.

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Instead of spending their energy hating you, like I once did, my hope for them is to have the courage within themselves to embrace you as a positive force. A force that helps them ask for the job they have always wanted. A force that helps them tell their crush how they feel. A force that helps them stand up for what they believe in even when people tell them it’s wrong.

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Anxiety, I know you never wanted our relationship to be this way.

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But this is my life. Not yours.

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And I am in control of living it the way I want to.

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Sincerely,

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Lyndsey

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